Meaning

Funny how ten years later, you can find yourself right back where you started. Perhaps I'm finally beginning to find my truth north...and instead of fighting against the current, I'm swimming with it. Perhaps my mother's wish of me becoming more of a willow instead of the mighty oak is happening. Regardless, I am more at peace right now than I've been in a very long time. 

Therapy yesterday led to some wonderful nuggets of wisdom. I asked Lesa when it's appropriate to "move on" from my marriage. I think I actually expected her to give me a timeframe like, "Oh the eleventh day of the seventh month after the divorce is final, you have passed the imaginary finish line that makes it ok to move on." I am such a rule follower/black and white thinker. It's maddening sometimes.

Regardless, she said, "Do me a favor. What's the one place in the world that you love. If you were to go somewhere alone, or with your kids, or even with Dustin, where would it be?" I responded with Utah. She said, "Ok...so you're in Utah. Do you want to rush that trip, or do you want to take your time?" I responded that I'd want to take my time. To which she said, "Right. Do that with your relationships. Do that with Dustin. Don't rush it. Enjoy the time, and the process, and the slower pace." 

I truly felt a sense of peace and calm. I have spent my entire life running from one decision to the next. The sense of urgency I've always felt has started to wane. Yes, my clock of life is ticking, but everyone's is. The best things in life sometimes are a slower process. Waiting for things makes them sweeter. It's like seeing a present wrapped up under the tree for three weeks before Christmas. The excitement of wondering about what's inside makes it that much sweeter when it's opened...as opposed to seeing it just placed under the tree the night before and therefore losing the experience of wonder.

This came after my last session where I learned it is OK to sit at the fork in the road. Similar to the previous paragraph...I've always come to forks and chosen a side. Like the damn White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland...I've always felt late for a very important date, although I've never known what the date is about. Come to the fork - left or right? Choose right. Next fork? Choose left. The one after that? Whichever one looks prettier. Repeat, repeat, repeat. 

So here I am, after 16 years of being with the same man, married for 14, two kids, and 15 months of cancer treatment later, I am in the process of divorcing and finding happiness. 

"You're My Utah" - a combination of my happy place and knowing it's permissible to sit at the fork in the road and take in the scenery. The fork will always be there - maybe I've come to these forks in the dead of winter when the snow is 4' tall and I've tried trudging through it. Instead, I need to sit and wait for the snow to melt, the trees to bloom, and the spring rain showers to stop for a second. 

Someone, somewhere, is "my Utah". Maybe I've already found them...only time will tell.